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Attachment
- Jen Meller
- Mar 1
- 2 min read
Updated: Sep 11
When I talk with clients about attachment—whether it’s styles, wounds, or patterns—I like to start with this:
We come into the world knowing how to connect.
That drive for connection is hardwired into us from the very beginning. As infants, our survival literally depends on bonding with a caregiver. From those earliest moments, something in us seems to know: connection is meant to be safe, warm, and good. It’s like we’re born with a blueprint for secure attachment.
But for many of us, that blueprint doesn’t get reinforced by experience. If our caregivers were absent, inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or abusive, our nervous system had to adapt. It made a new plan. And those adaptations—those brilliant childhood strategies—become what we often refer to as attachment styles.
For example, if I learned early on that connection was unreliable or unsafe, I might develop an avoidant attachment style: self-reliance becomes my protection. I pull away, I don’t expect others to show up, and I try to meet my own needs without vulnerability. It makes sense, especially in childhood. But as adults, those same strategies can keep us from experiencing the connection and closeness we long for.
In attachment theory, we call this disconnect attachment wounding. It shows up in how we relate to others and to ourselves—and it can be deeply painful.
The good news? These patterns are not fixed.
Just like the nervous system can be gently reshaped, so can our attachment systems. In therapy, we can return to those early blueprints and begin to revise the story.
Two of my favorite tools for this work are DARe (Dynamic Attachment Re-patterning experience) and Hakomi—both gentle, experiential methods that help access and shift deep, core relational beliefs.
Curious about what this kind of work looks like? You can read more about my own journey with attachment here: Do You Feel Nourished?
And if you’re ready to explore your own attachment patterns in a supportive space, you can book a consult here.
Resources for learning more about Attachment:
